A Thousand Chance...

 When We Can Give Thousands of Chances to Those Who Never Deserved Them, Why Can't We Give One More Chance to Ourselves?

There's a certain kind of stillness that comes over me on a rainy day; soft, muted, as if the entire earth has inhaled deeply and is waiting to exhale. An afternoon where you can be alone at a window; with a steaming cup of tea, or coffee; staring at the rainwater run down the window and making pictures.

And in that moment when the world is in suspense, something curious happens. You suddenly become aware of the harsh way in which you talk to yourself.

Not necessarily in words, or out loud, but rather internally; the ongoing, seemingly unending narrative you create for yourself about how your life is going, your decisions, your mistakes, and your ongoing commitment to correct yourself from year to year without ever providing relevant proof.

However, you would never treat your partner as such; you would never create a list of their mistakes; you would never refuse to forgive them for their mistakes; you would never require them, year after year, to continuously prove to you that they have changed.

This is the basis upon which you continually report upon and judge yourself by.

In a similar manner to this past Friday afternoon, as you sit silently alone, waiting for someone or something to come and find you, you might start to feel much more than the person you are here today, but rather the person you think you could have become. There’s a certain sense of emptiness in the gap created by such a difference.

THE PARADOX OF GENEROSITY

The generosity of heart that exists among humans isn't something we often talk about.

In our quiet moments when there is no one around to witness, we forgive so easily; indeed, most of us have forgiven others their most cruel, selfish and terrible acts against us. We are generally compassionate toward others’ poor behavior by understanding the suffering that leads to such behavior prior to passing judgement on them. When someone has said something hurtful that wasn’t a true representation of who they really are as a person, we put the truth of what they said aside and wait. We believe in their ability to change with an almost faith-like conviction.

We extend second chances to individuals who took the first chance given to them and threw it away like it was garbage.

We also extend third chances to those who should have learned and changed from the second chance given them.

We continue to give persons who demonstrate that they do not earn, nor deserve our continued acceptance of their behavior, the benefit of the doubt. We convince ourselves that they are simply tired and overwhelmed, and/or are dealing with things in their lives that we cannot understand. And we continue finding the reasons and the grace to forgive them, over and over again, because we have an increasingly abundant reservoir of compassion within us.

"We're generally more forgiving to others than we are to ourselves..." Isn't it something way too hurtful?!

And then the paradox occurs—how ironic that we would not have offered generosity to the individual that has given us the longest circumstances of life. That person has grown into adulthood alongside us. That person hears our thoughts, feels our emotions, has seen the full array of our misfortunes and mistakes along the way to adulthood.

This individual is ourselves.

THE WEIGHT WE CARRY

Before we can talk about how we carry things, we also need to discuss how we carry things.

The majority of adults that walk through life do so under an invisible blanket that is the product of guilt from all of the mistakes made, all of the things said, and all of the times they thought that they had failed in some way. We all carry that 17-year-old version of ourselves who made a nasty comment. An individual carries the 23-year-old who made a choice to do something they look back upon with shame. We all carry ourselves from last year, last month, last week, etc. We also carry with us the parts of ourselves we feel have "failed."

This is not just your average regret, as regret has a clean feeling to it and is about acknowledging something that happened and moving past it.

What we have done instead, is to take those same mistakes and incorporate them into our own narrative. We take every mistake we have made, and we make decisions that state to ourselves that these mistakes are part of who we are. By doing this, we will continuously replay those mistakes in our minds, changing one instance of failure into something that defines who we are. A poor decision at some point in our lives will lead us to feel inadequate and not complete as a person, and one lapse in judgment will be used as proof of an unchangeable character flaw.

When we discuss ourselves, we frequently use a language of permanence, such as saying: "I am someone who is constantly disappointing people," or "I am someone who can never be trusted," or "I am somebody who always figures out how to mess something up."

We are stating this in the present tense and speaking with certainty; we don't say I made a mistake we say I am a mistake. We spend years sometimes decades waiting for the person we have the least forgiving attitude towards (us) to forgive us; however, if we don't take care of ourselves, then we will likely take our own lives eventually.

While we wait for us to become someone new and someone who has not made the mistakes we have made in the past, we will delay expressing compassion towards ourselves until we have done something that we consider penance.

In the meantime, as we wait for life to take shape we are missed out on living—life is still happening while we have allowed ourselves to be trapped by our own thoughts.

THE CHILD WHO STILL WAITS

One of the most loving truths of being human is that every adult has an inner child somewhere inside of them that still exists and is patiently waiting.

They are not waiting to be saved or waiting for someone else to fix what is broken. They are waiting for a particular type of permission. They are waiting to hear that it is okay to be human. That it is okay to have made mistakes. That it is okay to be a person who continues to learn, continue to trip, continue to find their way.

Your younger self does not know you very well but they remember the times in your life when you were at your best, doing your very best based on the knowledge you had or did not have.

They remember you being afraid when you were doing your very best.

They wait for the adult you to turn and gently acknowledge your inner child.

“Every adult has a child; that child within them still needs to hear: ‘You did the best you could have done, and that was enough.'”

We are most often unable to forgive ourselves for our wrongdoings because we have difficulty envisioning how we could have done things differently as a child/young adult when we had no real knowledge or understanding of what we know now. In other words, we have trouble seeing or understanding our mistakes from the perspective of a "younger version," so judging ourselves using our current, advanced perspective only serves to keep us in a state of negative emotion and thought about ourselves, with no positive outcomes whatsoever.

We are more apt to forgive others than we are ourselves. Why? We typically look at others with an understanding that they were doing the best they could with what they knew, what resources they had, and what emotional resources they had available to them. It's a double-standard when looking at yourself!

This "time traveling" (of sorts) is of no benefit to anyone!

HOW GUILT BECOMES IDENTITY

At some point or another during our life we have experienced a transition where we're no longer simply feeling regret but actually recently becoming a part of what we've done wrong... 

This doesn't happen overnight; it happens over time. What was originally a single circumstance of shame eventually turns into continued feelings of shame over all of those instances that you felt ashamed about. Those instances of shame turn into a belief and then your belief will develop into your identity. At some point, you realise that you are living out the story of your life that you had scripted based on one moment of pain and you now have no recollection that you were, in fact, the creator of it.

This territory is not only dangerous but also offers a false sense of assurance.

When our guilt becomes our identity it can also become an element of comfort. In fact, I believe many people actually take some comfort in their identity as someone who has failed or let themselves down. Just think about it... "Of course this hasn't worked for me. That's just who I am." Or, "Of course they left me. People do that all the time." It offers us a sense of comfort even though it's contradictory because, at least we can say, "I know who I am." We know we aren't trustworthy or unreliable people.

It is far more frightening to believe that we are worth receiving kindness, and that we could potentially still be flawed. Any person may be good-hearted but make poor choices. Anyone could mean very well but say something they later regret. Anyone may try to do something and always fail at certain points.

While challenging to accept, all of this is still true.

"Guilt tells us we are bad people. Forgiveness tells us we are human."

When we finally stop letting guilt control how we see ourselves, we can begin making real change in our lives. It may not happen as we had envisioned—not by becoming someone entirely new—erasing who and what we have done in the past—making sure we will never experience failure or have to worry about failure again—but having some measure of peace with the person you once were; thereby; you will be more able to live in the moment with the person you are becoming.

THE SOFTNESS THAT SAVES

Many people don’t discuss the type of courage that goes unseen. It’s not about being brave enough to change things or being brave enough to work harder, push harder or be better. It’s about courage in a much quieter, yet equally revolutionary way.

It’s about softening.

Softening towards yourself. No longer bracing yourself for what could possibly go wrong next. Putting down the stories you tell yourself of how you are not good enough for even just one brief moment.

This softness does not mean you are weak or that you accept poor treatment or give up trying. This softness gives you the power to change something permanently when it happens.

You cannot change anything in your life if you are at war with yourself, and you cannot heal until you stop inflicting the pain. You cannot be a new you while continuing to punish the old you.

True healing must start with you talking to you like a friend instead of an enemy.

It all starts when you realize that there is a negative voice in your mind, and you ask that voice to be quiet. You then begin to speak to yourself as if you are giving comfort to someone you love who has made a mistake; being gentle and understanding, recognizing that they are inherently, by nature, a good person who has acted in ways that they regret or that have hurt them.

When I am kind to myself, I am creating a sacred relationship with myself, which enables me to be kind to others.

Kindness is more than just positive thought or using affirmations to force yourself to feel something good; it is about being honest with yourself by acknowledging that you are capable of making mistakes, you are capable of saying or doing something you regret, and you are capable of causing pain, but you are also someone who can learn and improve from the mistakes you make, that you can change, and that your past does not need to keep you in prison by the experiences of your past.

The soft voice of comfort is the voice that tells me, "I will treat myself with the same care, compassion, and respect that I treat my best friend."

This type of goodness or kindness I want you to experience needs to happen every day, and in all the little moments of your life, when you feel like you have done something wrong, or you feel inadequate, or old feelings of shame come back to you.

It will sound like this: "I will take my hand and put it on your shoulder and say it is okay to feel this way."

WHAT FORGIVENESS ACTUALLY IS

We often do not understand exactly what forgiveness means.

When we think about forgiveness, our first association is to forget, or to make the conscious decision to forget the facts of the event, to not allow our pain to have been real and to allow ourselves to have been able to move on, as if it never occurred. We resist forgiving ourselves for this reason because there is an inner voice that believes we did matter and that if we forget the event it would be an act of betrayal of the truth.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, but is rather a far more nuanced notion.

Forgiveness requires seeing precisely what happened. Recognizing what has happened in full view. Acknowledging the damage done from the perspective of each person affected, including yourself. Then holding that awareness firmly in your hand, and saying to yourself, I will no longer allow this memory to be the culpability in my life.

You can forgive yourself for a horrible action but still have the memory of that horrible action. You can forgive yourself for causing another pain while still having the sadness of having caused that person pain. You can forgive yourself yet still do what is needed to rectify the action, to be a better person and to develop a new path forward.

The essence of true forgiveness requires all of these. True forgiveness demands the hardest of things when it comes to revealing the truth. True forgiveness is about being honest with oneself; being accountable for one's own actions; and being open to actually seeing oneself as who you are, without diverting your attention away from the truth.

Forgiveness doesn't mean acting as if the injury never existed. It means making the decision to have no longer be defined by the injury.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to continue to experience pain forever. It doesn't mean having to believe that you have an inherent flaw or will forever be damaged by your past. It doesn't mean sacrificing your present in order to pay for your past.

Oftentimes, the most genuine forgiveness looks like this: I am aware of and understand why I acted in this way, I regret having caused you harm, and now I will move forward from here, changed by this experience, but not ruined by it.

This is sufficient...

THE GARDEN AFTER WINTER

When I think about healing, I often see an image in my mind.

That image is a garden in springtime. It is a garden that has not been neglected; nor has it been subject to the harshness of winter. Rather, it is in a cycle of dormancy (ie: no growth) covering the earth with a blanket of snow and being totally lifeless. But, come spring, life returns. The very first sprouts emerge from the ground. There is a bravery in those sprouts, as they have pushed themselves through the cold, wetness of the earth to begin their outside growth.

The sprouts do not apologize for the time period when they would not grow. They do not utilize their energy to feel shame for having been bare. They simply return to the process of growth.

The garden will not wait to be sure that it can bloom (recipient of age) before it decides to bloom. It doesn't require itself to be strong or resilient enough to withstand another season of winter. Instead, it simply initiates the task of blooming again, with the full realization that it may face yet another (future) winter.

Humans can learn a great deal about their own hearts from this experience.

Healing does not entail transforming yourself into a person who will never be broken; it does not mean you can’t fail or feel pain but rather that you have learned to thrive even in spite of all these occurrences—and to rise again regardless of any challenges that may arise along the way.

“We will never grow into beautiful blossoms while we keep apologising for the small seeds we used to be”.

You shouldn’t have the desire to change; you don’t need to become perfect before forgiving yourself; there’s no way for you to earn that ability through changing yourself from someone entirely unrecognizable to the one they want to be, therefore you must choose now to accept your current state as a beautiful thing deserving love and tenderness as if it were the most delicate flower on earth because that is exactly who we all are!

HOW SOFTNESS CHANGES EVERYTHING

Loving yourself at all times creates a huge opportunity. It doesn't mean you will find it easy. What it does provide is a means for creating space in your mind and heart through letting go of self-inflicted judgments; feelings of guilt due to the past; and expecting punishment for the mistakes you made, giving you the ability to be patient and present with other people - which will allow you to give to them, and, at the same time; to be a better person.

These opportunities not only happen by coincidence, they are scientifically proven.

When someone is mean to themselves, feels ashamed of themselves, or makes themselves feel guilty about their own actions, all of that takes up emotional and mental energy. They cannot be put into perspective as being background noise or minor events in life; they have such an enormous negative impact on your life that they undermine your ability to achieve your full potential in any area of your life.

It's an amazing gift you can give your loved ones when they finally have your forgiveness for yourself. Self-forgiveness is the greatest gift you could offer another person because what you cannot give away cannot be given to you. Therefore, if you have never given yourself a second opportunity for forgiveness, you are showing your children and friends and the world that they all deserve to receive a second chance as well.

When we forgive ourselves, others around us have the ability to forgive themselves too.

THE LETTER YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO READ

If I could send you an email, I'd say this:

You have been patient for much too long for permission to stop apologizing and to let go of the pain that you have been carrying with you all your life, as if it were a boulder. You have the right, today, to believe that no matter what has happened, you deserve your own kindness.

The person who made that mistake did the best they could at that time. They did not know what they know now. They had less information, experience, wisdom and understanding than you do now.

Your mistake will not be erased, but you will have a framework for understanding it in relation to your situation, your time in history, your humanity and your growth.

You may err and still, at your core, be a good individual.

You may hurt another individual and still be worthy of love.

You may let yourself down and continue to be worthy of compassion.
In no scenario do you have to continue feeling guilty indefinitely. There's no requirement that you atone without end for past mistakes. There's no law stating that you have to be perfect in order to forgive yourself.

You have waited longer than anyone else for you to forgive yourself.

Maybe now you can start.

THE WINDOW OPENS

I see you finally being able to release the burden you have carried for a long time.

Not all at once, but slowly, in little bits; with quiet time; as you choose gentle words instead of harsh criticism; and understanding instead of judging yourself. By choosing to speak as lovingly to yourself as you would to someone you love... because you are just as worthy of love as anyone else!

I see you one morning, realising you have gone through the entire day with no regret, and you have given up something (or someone) that you didn't automatically put as evidence to prove you are not enough.

I see you opening a window that has been closed for so long, and letting in the light.

You do not need to be perfect... there is nothing to atone for, nor do you need to continue apologising for being human for the rest of your life.

The planet needs you to be who you are right now, imperfect but making an effort to learn and grow. The world wants you to bring your softness to it. Your truthfulness. How you keep picking yourself up from failures and continuing to make an attempt.

Now is the time to allow yourself to experience the same thing you have done for others; however, you will need to do this with the gentleness that you have utilized when helping others.

Forgiveness is needed.

You are ready to come into bloom.